Christine, when small…

May 3, 2005 at 5:02 am Leave a comment


Cay when small, originally uploaded by Adrienne2.

 

I just found this old photo of Cay Cay and scanned it in. My mom was taking a photography class at the local community college and her grandaughter was a favorite subject, of course. I just always loved this one, it captures her at this age so well. Oh, I miss that little one! She is great now too, and she is still a cuddle bug, but she didn’t squish me nearly so much back then. :-) She was still nursing at the time this pic was taken too, I really miss that! I joke with her all of the time, telling her if I only knew that she was the only, and last baby that I was ever going to be blessed to nurse; she would still be doing it! Kidding, of course, but a small element of truth, because I feel that way, but would never do it.

I certainly go through stages where I mourn the fact that I have not been given another child. I cry to hubby, and he tries to soothe me, and it usually revolves around the fact that I so badly want to nurse another baby. The last time, hubby actually told Christine that she should nurse to make me feel better. :-) He was joking, but she wasn’t quite sure if he was or not, and you could actually see the struggle she was going through within; thinking she didn’t want any part of that, but it would make mom happy. It cheered me up right away because I had to laugh, and knew my little girl loved me VERY much.

Maybe the Lord will give me another child one day, i don’t know, but I certainly have hope because he can do anything. He has closed my womb, for reasons known only to him, and he can open it up again at any time of His choosing. In the meantime, I have to know, and have learned, that His will is always best, no matter if I agree or not. BIG surprise to all of you I am sure, but it took me a while to get it! :-) I don’t even think of it too often any longer, but once in a while when someone close to me finds out they are expecting, or I watch my sister nurse her children…the old wounds open up a bit, and I have to go through the process of telling God all over again that I only want His will, and I am thankful for the one precious gift of my daughter that He did entrust me with. I know many who can’t have a child of their own at all. It is all a mystery to me, why some get a “quiverfull” and other’s none, but it comforts me beyond all imagination that someone other than selfish little ole me is in control. I just can’t see the Big Picture.

I can see my own selfish desires though when the ugly head of “why not me” raises up from where I thought he wold stay forever. Thank God for his comfort and grace!

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Entry filed under: My Christine, Random.

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Our Gang

Me & Hubby:
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Christine & Joshua
Cay and Joshua

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